why I cried on an airplane all by myself

why I cried on an airplane all by myself

About social anxiety and traveling foreign countries II

– My London experience (Oktober 2015) 

(I never manage to finish this back in 2015 and decided to finally do, so half of it is old and half of this I just written)

My first real blog post was about my social anxiety and how it affects me. I mainly wrote about it because I booked a trip with people I have never met in person to a place I don’t really know and let’s face the music: I was bloody freaking out about it.

So to get straight to the point: I sat on my seat on an airplane in the dark and quietly cried. It wasn’t one single (beautiful) tear like you see it in movies, no I couldn’t stop for solid 20 minutes, mainly because I was flying from Heathrow that bitch is always so busy that it took us forever to take off. Why was I crying? Oh well: because I was happy. Of course not completely because I was leaving but still; I was happy.

That doesn’t sound like much, but I don’t think I honestly used that term to describe my feelings since the beginning of grade 11 and that was in 2010.

And not just was I happy on that plane (which would have been kind of weird) no I have been happy for solid 4 days (maybe not the first night but we’ll get to that). And if you haven’t been happy in about 5 years 4 days is a really long time.

But let’s take it to the top: Me, little 21-year-old me who flew only 4 times before in her life, of course, arrived way too early at the airport but I guess that’s better than oversleeping (if you like story’s about that my friend Nika overslept for her flight: video). I spent the spare time I had listening to music, eating and of course: panicking. I was tense, fucking tense. I was a lot better once I was in London. Okay, it wasn’t but once I was off the tube I was more excited to finally meet my longtime internet friend Nika than to be nervous about anything else. And there she was: my light, my sun… joke. We both were standing pretty much next to each other but because it was kind of busy there we didn’t see each other. And well sorry to disappoint you Nika but there was no heavenly glow around you but I was still really happy to meet you in person. (Anni, you’re next, that sounded creepy, sorry)

After just “throwing” my suitcase into my (8-girls bedroom) we went for dinner with an old friend of Nika. What I like about internet friends: when you meet them sometimes it’s the most normal thing in the world like you had always hung out together. Well, at least that’s how it was with us. Nika’s friend was british, meaning I was thrown into cold water. I didn’t know if I could talk to him at all. I can write in English without freaking simply because: if I’m not too sure about how to say a certain thing I can just google it, look it up and stuff. Also, I am doing the writing thing a lot more than the talky thing! But for some reason, I was able to talk. I was just as nervous as I am always with new people.

This evening me and Nika took our very first selfie together and I still love it.

(Took me too long to write this because I just forgot what came next. I think the next main thing was my bedroom. Eight girls. That’s a lot. And for some reason, they all have been to bed at 10 pm(!!!). And because it was my first night I wasn’t organized at all: I needed to get into the room at least 5 times to get stuff I needed for the bathroom. I felt really bad. I had to get up quite early the next morning to sign in online for a university course. And this is the part where I stopped feeling bad about the last night: they were so loud at like 5 am one time then at 7 am the next time and last but not least at 9 when I just tried to get back to sleep because I knew the others wouldn’t be up before 10 am. Like seriously?)

A lot happened that weekend: we went to MCM, I met Jack and Dean (and manage to make an absolute fool out of myself in front of them), we went clubbing and we laughed a fucking lot. On my last day there we even went to the cat café and met Caspar Lee (Nika freaked a little and it was the funniest thing ever). The weekend ended on a high. And it was the first time I was happy again. This doesn’t mean I haven’t had fun the last years but I never was happy, never completely, not for years. This were the first good four days I had and since then a lot more good days followed. I don’t think the people I met that weekend know this, I don’t even know if Nika is fully aware of this but it is true: during four days there never once was a dark cloud there. My head was clear for the first time in years. When I laughed I meant it and my mind wasn’t thinking about how uncomfortable I should feel. I forgot about the clouds. I forgot about not wanting to have a future because if a future would hold more days like that I actually wanted to live long enough to experience this again. And this is the reason I started crying when I was sitting there, alone in this seat row of a late evening plane from Heathrow to Düsseldorf: I suddenly realized that I was actually happy that weekend. I suddenly realized that I was not happy before. I suddenly realized that I was still able to be happy. It is really hard to describe what it felt like. I remember that it was really overwhelming, but at the same time, I felt at east. I can’t remember feeling happiness as present or as strong ever since, but that might be because it hasn’t had left me for such a long time since then.

Still remembering this weekend, these days in London, give me a weird feeling. I can’t recall how I exactly felt on that flight but I still remember it a little (even after all this time). I don’t think there will ever be a trip as meaningful as this. I went to London again, for Sitc 2016 and the trip was amazing and I had fun and I was happy most of the time, but I already managed to be happy again.

London in October 2015 was something special, the trip itself, but more importantly me being happy again.

Collage created using TurboCollage software from www.TurboCollage.com

Having Aspirations In Life

Having Aspirations In Life

Having aspirations in life is a good thing. Of course, it is. Not having any aspirations is actually not my Problem. My Problem is: I hung up on one aspiration for so long, that I didn’t realize I don’t want it anymore.

I wanted to be a publishing author for what feels like forever, and I still do. I also wanted to be a journalist for years now. Well, I don’t want that anymore. I started Uni with the thought of working for some newspaper someday. I decided to study Political Science for that matter as well. Then, a few month back, I got the chance to work as a freelance journalist at a public newspaper. Dream come true, right? Well, why did I break down crying the day after my job interview? Oh right: I just had the feeling of ‚I really don’t want to do this‘ and didn’t know why. Every cell in my body screamed that it doesn’t want to do this. And my unconscious had its reasons but my conscious just saw a chance to fulfill my dream. So I had this really really bad feeling about something that should be black or white. It was something I should want. What I didn’t realize was, that during my almost three years of Uni I found new aspirations, I found new dream jobs. And getting the chance to be a journalist is not something I want now, but something I wanted a few years ago and it felt like disappointing my younger self. It felt like something I should want, but it was nothing I really want. Looking back I realize I lost interest in it years ago.

One reason is, that I am currently working on enjoying writing again. My Struggle with writing started in my last school years, the time depression and stress collided and made me hate every single word I would write. Another reason is: I don’t agree with most newspapers and the more I know about politics the more opinions I have and the idea of being forced to write in a specific way… well, I don’t think that would help me enjoying writing again.

I have new aspirations, and at the moment I don’t know wich one I will follow. Today I’ve got an invite for a job interview for an internship that I really want to do because this is one of the two ways my life could be heading right now. And I am really looking forward to find out which one suits me more. But I don’t think I have to decide yet. Maybe I never have to. This is one thing I aspire my best friend for: she doesn’t let any fear about the future stop her. If she get’s an opportunity to do something that makes her happy and that she loves, she does it. I want to be more like that. Live more. Learn more. And being less afraid to make mistakes. So if you ask me now: what is your aspiration in life? My answer will be; happy.

YouTube drama and the question of content

YouTube drama and the question of content

(header picture: http://nouw.com/katrinberndt/stop-the-youtube-drama-25129593 )

When YouTuber fight, or more specific if YouTuber you like fight, it can feel like part of your friends group is fighting. And I am aware that that might sound mental for some and I guess I wouldn’t say I am a 100% allowed to feel this way but it’s just true. This of course has to do with the kind of new and more ‘intimate’ relationship between YouTuber and subscriber, that is (in my opinion) often very different from the relationship between a ‘classic’ celebrity and their fans.  But let’s be honest, everything has to do with that. I’m not saying that it is right to feel like that and I think that subscriber should be more aware sometimes that they are in fact not the friend of a YouTuber and that they only see the parts of their life, the person wants to show them. That said I still believe that YouTuber should be aware that many subscriber can’t keep the distance like that, and that if they make anything (no matter how small or irrelevant it may seem to them) public it has an effect. People might take it to serious, but don’t always blame them for that, remember: you know everything, they just the little bits that got published. You might talked about the thing with the person you indirect address in the video or tweet, but we don’t know that if you haven’t specifically said it.

And you could have already guessed: I have a reason to talk about this now. A few days, or weeks, ago Daniel J Layton uploaded a video that had a snowball effect he probably couldn’t have suspected at the time. It ‘ended’ in a video (and here’s the part I could be completely wrong but remember I only will know and interpret the stuff that is public) Evan Edinger uploaded where he doesn’t name names but it’s really obvious directed to the stuff happening before. If you haven’t seen any of the stuff or didn’t see that connection, go on stop reading, it’s easier. People might say: Why the hell are you addressing this if you don’t like the topic. Well dear friend because not addressing it vs. addressing it is part of the topic.

Daniel talked in said video about how he got insecure about his videos, more specifically his sitting down talky vlogs. He said that for him a YouTube video he makes has to have a meaning or he mainly said that he wants to be proud of what he makes. He continues saying that making a video for him stopped feeling natural but instead felt “forced” and “stale” and he felt like he hadn’t had anything new to say. So he decided to make a new concept and that ended with him not uploading at all. The video (I think) was really self-concerted and I never felt like he was addressing anyone but his own problems. And having a creative block out of doubt and feeling you should only do good stuff, is really normal for someone doing creative stuff and being passionate about it. I mean, there’s a reason artist sometimes don’t touch a pencil in weeks or musicians not writing anything or even playing. And for fucks sake there is a reason I haven’t started writing that one good idea into something yet. And some YouTuber might not see their content the same way, some might not consider it a form of artmaking, but some do and I think that both ways are totally fine. Sadly this is where the problem starts: some people don’t feel the same way as I do and actually that’s still not a problem, but if they say it out loud publicly it becomes problematic. Yes, I used that word: oh no, your fave is problematic. (Also to clarify: your fave can, to a certain point, be problematic, because guess what?, their human)

Now Hazel jumped on board and she had a lot to say, which she absolutely can, but maybe 140 characters are not the best way to do so. You can tell that she had probably bottled up her thoughts on this topic for quite a while, because instead of just saying things like “I agree with having that feeling about my own stuff” or “He explained quite nicely why it sometimes feels hard to upload” or anything that would have just slightly attacked other YouTuber. Instead she commented harshly about content she wouldn’t upload. I think the problem here is quite clearly exactly what I was talking about before: Hazel definitely considers her videos a form of artmaking, which is totally fine, but she seems to forget that not everyone sees their YouTube videos the same way. And I feel that the vertex of what video to upload and what video not to upload it connected to how much you want and feel like have to make art. Personally I am no big fan of clickbait, or challenges (some are funny and some are even really creative but mostly not my favourite videos) but if a YouTuber makes to many of them I probably just stop watching their content (I also feel like it’s an age thing, with 16/17 I loved that kind of video), but I sometimes love the just sitting down and talk about life and the fucking universe videos, and they seem pretty pointless don’t they? Also: why do I enjoy monthly or daily vlogs (okay the answer is simply for me: I don’t have many friends, do I? but like seriously, why do people enjoy that?). So, dear Hazel, who I respect but don’t have to share an opinion with, just because we don’t like it, and you feel like they would be letting their fans and themselves down, doesn’t mean they actually feel that way, too. If they, and everyone who’s watching, is happy and totally okay with the content, it is good content. I know it can be frustrating, and believe me every time I see the number of how many “Shade of grey” books been sold I feel that frustration as well, but it doesn’t have to be as bad as you might think it is.

I’m not done yet (sadly): Bing alias Christopher Bingham joint in. He deleted now most of the tweets but they basically where saying, that YouTubers should not be so “arrogant” to judge over other YouTubers content (which would have been okay if he had the balls to address it directly to Hazel, but he didn’t). Now, bare these words in mind because he uploaded a video called “Why I Stopped Uploading”. And don’t try and tell me it’s not directed to Daniels, because it’s the exact same title. In the video he’s miming the words of Daniel, which makes it (especially if you think of the tweets) fucking disgusting. Sure I might be over reacting but if you make fun of someone being self-doubting their content you’re just a dick. Nothing else. And trying to make that into comedy makes you a fucking dickhead. So yea, you’re actually not just a dick but also a dickhead. I don’t really want to say anything more about him.

There might have been more (oh right Dan uploaded a  video in which you think he will address everything but in fact it was about The Great British Bakeoff, don’t tell me that was not intentional, Dan…), but I just jump to Evan’s video, called “I’ve Got Bad News”. In which he presents, in an exaggerated way, pretty much Hazels tweets. And again, what really bothers me is that it’s indirect. Sure that way many people might not get what he (I think) is referring to but it makes it kind of be a ‘behind the back thing’. I get that he disagrees with the things Hazel has mentioned and he kind of tones it down to the “Bad content is stuff I don’t like” vibe that resonates with the tweets. However, I just feel that’s not a good way to address that: many will take it to serious and might pick sides, which will then be a problem, if they do not actually hate each other for forever now.  He also picks up on Hazel saying the she sometimes doesn’t want to call herself a YouTuber anymore, and brings in his reasons why, which are really valid, but kind off just make sure you know who this is about. I would have been okay with Evan (who I also really like, by the way) just picking on what Hazel said, because she pretty much actually judge other creators content. What, however, I am 100% not okay with is that he pretty much said (and correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s how I interpret it): Don’t worry about what you upload, you’re being a bit arrogant if you are too picky (I am of course exaggerate this but that was the feeling I got out of it). And again: don’t be fucking mean about someone talking about self-doubting their content. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel that way ever. And I think it’s brilliant, that you enjoy making videos so much, that that is simply enough reason for you to upload, Evan. That’s fucking great. But for fucks sake not everyone has to feel the same way. And Dan never criticized someone in that video but himself, so tell my why was that necessary?

So this was it: Me adding to the newest YouTube drama. I really hope I maybe could contribute something to it. And I kind of hope maybe one of the people being part of it might even read it. But now I’m just going back into writing 3 term papers about political stuff, that makes me sad, hey might write a blogpost about that as well.

All the love, Julia

Film Review: Cyberbully (2015) – with Maisie Williams

Film Review: Cyberbully (2015) – with Maisie Williams

Short short summery: „A British teenager gets in contact with cyberbullying in a quite unusual way. The film has a bit of a thriller vibe.“

Director:  Ben Chanan

Writers:  Ben ChananDavid Lobatto

Stars:  Maisie WilliamsElla PurnellWilson Haagens […]

I just stumbled across this and this is a kinda review but more talking about my theories on this film.

I used this summery because it is short and you can quite directly see if you want to keep reading. Basically we see the teenager Casey (portrait by Maisie Williams) sitting at her Laptop but it already feels a bit weird because we can quite clearly see her through her own webcam. That way the feeling of her being watched already kicks in. To make sure everyone gets the hint a little later her sportify seems to be controlled by someone else. While talking to her friend on skype she logs into a website but hides that from her friend: it’s a short film so this is a nice way to indirect show the audience what is important. In this part of the film I also like that you get a bit of information that is not important that way the film contains the “real short story feeling” of falling in and out of someone’s life. The whole story is set in her bedroom and it happens in real time.

I will stop here with simply describing because I think at this point you have to decide if you actually want to watch the film or not. Of course I totally recommend to watch the film first but if not: here we go (spoilers ahead duh/also you wouldn’t get anything)

 

 

casey

 

The big reveal of her taking anti-depression and having an ex who seemed to have hurt her in some way lets the viewer think that she will be the victim of a “normal” cyberbully: her ex reviling mean and personal things about her and the whole school is probably now up against her, stuff like that. She then gets the opportunity to strikes back at him and takes it (still in mostly every cyberbully film the victim will be the bully themselves at some point). Then shit gets a bit creepy. The only thing that bothered me the most time was that for her if her own nudes will be leaked it would be so much worse then what already happened and her friends being leaked. I can’t really understand that: my biggest fear would have been that my friends would never believe me that I haven’t posted these things and I would lose them. But I’m not a teenager and I don’t know if I would have had a different view with 16 (I guess that’s about Casey’s age). The big happy ending in this film is that her friend actually (without them talking) does not believe that Casey would post these things and that (as a result from that) Casey stops caring about what the people and the world would think of her and therefore stops risking her life to save her dignity.

slut-shaming

Well: I did this huge mistake that you never ever should do on YouTube: I read the comments (hoping for good and well thought reviews ha haha hahaha) I found:

– people who demand a 2nd part because in the end we “only” know that she stopped doing what the person wanted her to do but not who it was or what will be leaked or if all of her friends are so okay like her best friend is.

– people who guess on who that person was: and most of them think it was either the dad or the best friend

 

Well (again) here is my theory:

We already know it was the second person who commented (also: Casey must be really smart to see that connection in that situation). I think (and this will sound bit simple) they just were the second person who commented. Now before you leave me thinking: how stupid was that comment, when I say they just were the second person who commented I mean: there was literally no other connection between that person and Casey or that person and the bullied girl. But not like Casey that person actually found out about the girl’s death and felt guilty. The way out of that was blaming Casey and if that person was a sociopath or a psychopath (and that kind of torture who have to be a bit… well… a bit one of these, probably sociopath if they felt guilt) it could end like that (with the right hacking skills of course). I also think it was a men or someone who thinks (wittingly or unwittingly) that men are more powerful because they only used the female voice to “prove” Casey wrong when she assumed they were a man.

 

My answer to the reasons why there should be a second part:

Reasons there should be no part 2

– it’s a short film meaning: you fall into someone’s life with almost no context, you see their life for a few ours and then you fall out of it. That’s how these stories work

– if you would know everything you wouldn’t think about it that much: all these theories of who it might be just wouldn’t exist and most people wouldn’t think about the movie that much

– what would happen in that 2nd part? Not much it would be incredible boring

– the story is (in my interpretation) not about cyberbullying or that creep doing that to her but about her not being so afraid of what society thinks of her and she accomplished that. That is the happy ending. It doesn’t matter if they find the person who did this or not. Her friend knowing it couldn’t be her, who published those things. There is you’re happy ending: sure she will have nudes leaked probably and her friend had nudes leaked but not everyone who gets cyberbullied commits suicide. It does not have to be the end of someone’s life.

 

well that are my thoughts maybe I will be doing more short film talking because, I just bloody love short films.

x Jules

Should I stop watching YouTuber who live in another country than I do?

Should I stop watching YouTuber who live in another country than I do?

(Header Picture from lumontes: http://www.lumontes.com/2015/08/first-summer-in-city-experience-sitc.html )

Hi, so:

first of all this is not a text to blame anyone for anything. I’m just a bit sad (about something really lame) and I wanted to share that because I think that I might not be alone in this situation and maybe it’s even interesting/new for some Creators to hear this.

See, my problem is I like the brits, about 98% of the YouTuber I watch are from the UK or live there now. I do not live in the UK myself. I live in Europe, more specifically in Germany. It’s not too far off, of course. I am aware that there’re places that are a lot more far away. But (this is quite a big but): if I want to go to an event like Summer in the City, I have to really proper plan this. You don’t just fly to another country on your own and you don’t have a friend who wants to spend money on a flight to another country if they are not really into the thing you’re attempting.

So, this year is the first year I am going to Summer in the City. And I am so excited and really can’t wait (so bare this in mind and remember this no matter what I’m going to brag about now), but: (I already noticed this last year) many YouTuber seem to not attempt this year. Mainly the ones that have their own live shows and I get it. It’s just that I will never (work/school/uni/money) be able to fly to the UK for one evening or one day (also greenhouse effect: I shouldn’t). That’s why conventions like Sitc are so amazing and important for the people who don’t live near a big city or (like I do) don’t even live in the same country. This way it’s enough to just get off one weekend and see as many creators we like in different settings (I don’t find a better word: I mean like meet ups and shows and panels) and it’s an awful lot easier that way.

I think the reason this upsets me is because the same people seem to still attempt all the American events, even if they do live shows there as well. I still have many, many creators I aspire and love to meet and see and hear at sitc, but I’m kinda worried that maybe in a year or two they won’t be there as well. So I probably should check out all the german YouTuber who only know “black” (good) humour by hearsay or just stay inside and watch the videos, like I used to.

Again: this is not any blaming or complaining it is probably a lot of moaning and I just wanted to make everyone remember that not everyone lives so close to you as it may seems.

Thank you very much for listening and please, please, please comment: I really like to hear other sides of this.

(PS: This was not the post I wanted to make after more than 6 month after the first)

About social-anxiety and travelling foreign countries

About social-anxiety and travelling foreign countries

“I try to think about how it all works. At school dances, I sit in the background, and I tap my toe, and I wonder how many couples will dance to ‘their song.’ In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.”

—Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

PerksWallflower

Imagine getting sweaty hands, a racing heart and a broken voice every time you want to order a meal, is it at a restaurant or just at McDonalds doesn’t matter. There’re these seconds or minutes where you know you won’t make it. You know you will stutter and as soon as you mix something up you forget everything you wanted to say. You can’t order something without having some time to think about it before. You repeat every word you will say over and over again in your head so you get it right but still there is always the chance that they will ask you a question you’re not prepared for.

And this is not only ordering food. It’s getting a bus ticket, it’s buying anything. It’s getting on a train. It’s sitting down on a bus or train. It’s going to a doctor. Everything.

But don’t worry it gets better. At least for me. I only get a bit of a racing heart when I get on the train to my Uni. I may order the same thing every time but at least I know I won‘t mess it up and I am prepared for any question that might be ask. I love using Machines to get tickets before I get on the bus. I also manage to look like I don’t want to sit down. I am quite young so I only go to a dentist and my female doctor and I know what to expect.

But still all these things are tiring.  It started when I was 17. From what I heard it’s quite late but it was the same time I started feeling depressed. So I can only guess it’s a side-effect or something. Me feeling not well with myself made me insecure around everyone else as well.

Now all these things (and a lot of more things) are challenging for me in my own town. In my own country, where I actually know the language, where I know how certain things work and I can go with it as good as possible. But obviously it’s not like that when I go anywhere else. As long as I stay in Germany I’m okay.

The problem is I don’t want to. I like to go to new places even if it sounds mental. I want to see the world. I get excited about nature that’s different from what I see. Or buildings, especially old buildings. I love to observe people’s behavior and I get excited if I see any differences from how people interact in my area. It inspires me like nothing else. I wish I could be a shadow that is completely invisible and can live without interacting with other people, but obviously I am not.

I could travel through Germany. Would be the easiest thing to do. Sure the “entering a new world” – stuff wouldn’t be as strong as if I actually leave the country but I could at least kinda communicate with people without feeling sick.

Even when I am with friends I still manage to freak out if I just try to say an English word. I am out of my comfort zone when I speak English. I could say something wrong and it would make me uncomfortable if someone would correct me. But would that really be so horrible and I am quite sure that if I talk to someone in England they won’t point out that my gramma or my articulation wasn’t absolutely correct. So why am I so worried?  I sometimes think in English (if I watched too much youtube). I imagine whole conversations in English but I am not used to actually say it out loud anymore because I haven’t done it in such a long time. It’s a bit like singing in your head, you master every note and you keep the rhythm but that doesn’t mean that when you open your mouth it will be perfect.

‘Well just close your door and start talking a bit to yourself then’ you could say. Yeah, I do. I read English books out loud, I swear in English a lot, I sometimes talk to myself and because most of my imaginary conversations are in English I actually talk. But let’s get real it’s just not the same as talking to a person that is actually responding. And again it’s like singing: on my own I hit every note of “on my own” if someone’s watching or I think there might be someone who could hear me I stumble over ’99 air balloons’.  My voice breaks, and my brain is like pudding and I forget that I actually speak English quite well (know how it goes and capable of singing it).

Last week I decided that this shouldn’t stop me from seeing the world and I booked a flight to London where a friend of mine is going to celebrate her birthday. I have to get there on my own and I have to get back on my own. It won’t be easy but I have to try.

t

I don’t want anyone to pity me because I don’t have to leave my comfort zone. I could live an easy live at home. I just don’t want that, okay sometimes I do but that’s not the point. The point is: never be mad at someone because they don’t come to parties, because they don’t join you when you go to a club. Don’t be mad if they aren’t as funny with new people then they are when you are alone. They probably aren’t cold to your other friends, just a bit stressed. If getting out of bed/leaving the house is as exhausting as writing an 1 hour essay with a pen that doesn’t completely work or getting up after you just sat down, after a long day of work, just to get something you feel like you don’t really need and if going somewhere new is as exciting and nerve wracking as jumping out of an airplane or facing a group of Orcs, you sometimes just feel like you can’t do much more and I am here to tell you that’s completely fine.

I know it’s hard to do stuff. But if you really want to you should try. Like I will. I can’t live in my room anymore; I want to see the world

noia-alla-finestra
I don’t know why but I love this picture it inspires me so much and I felt like it would fit in here

My first time tag

My first time tag

Inspired by my friend Nika who did the my first time tag as a video on her youtube channel and to make the start of writing this blog a bit easier for me I thought I should give it a try. So here we go:


Your first Tweet? We sadly will never know my actual first tweet because I deleted that account but here’s the one from my (at that point) „side“ account

first tweet

Your first YouTube Video? I don’t vlog but I do like(d) to ‚make‘ videos about people like my OTP’s and stuff. my first one is 100% embarrassing. Not only is the song in the video Jesse McCartney’s ‚She’s no you‘ but also is it about Lilly & Oliver from Hannah Montana. Link. 

First Person you subscribed to on YouTube? „YTITTY“ a german comedy trio but I haven’t watched their videos since 2010 simply because it’s not my type of humor anymore.


First Facebook Profile Picture?

profil bild

looks like a dress but it was a skirt and a long shirt… actually wore that for a ballet performance
Do you still talk to your first Love? If I look back at all my last „loves“ I kinda realize that none of them have been my actually first love so… no.
What was your first alcoholic drink? When I was like 12 I was at my neighbors room she’s like 5 years older then me. My sister and a lot of other friends were there as well and there was this cola bottle and 12-year-old me thought it would be only cola. I only drank a bit but still it really wasn’t just cola.
What was your first Job? The job I am currently have. After school I started working at an equestrian shop besides uni.

Hobbit1
What was your first car? Well never had one on my own so yeah only driven the families car.
Who was the first Person to text you today? Nika even through technically she texted me yesterday really late.
Who is the first Person you thought of this morning? Fucking Jack Howard and his fucking cheeky smile


Who was your first grad(e) teacher?  A women I really did not like because she was the first person who made me dislike my self and made me feel stupid. Buffer I believed her.
Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? To Greece but I was quite young and can’t remember anything. The first I remember was to Spain with the class.


Who was your first best friend and do you guys still talk? A girl who’s mother my mom met when I was still in her stomach. The Father was the owner of an restaurant opposite our house. And so we always played together even at a really young age (my mom always says kids normally start playing actually together at the age of 3 because that’s when they learn the hole sharing thing but we apparently started playing together earlier). We kinda lost contact in 5th grade because we went to different schools then but  we still sometime manage to meet and hang out.
Where was your first Sleepover? Probably at my house because as a kid I barely could sleep anywhere except my bed.
What was the first Thing you did this morning? Use nose spray because I am sick.
What was the first concert you ever went to? A concert of my fathers Band probably. Oh no the christmas themes Concerts of a rocky choir my father was in. Still miss this.

my fathers Band Shaa Khan: Shaa Khan
First broken Bone? Never broke a bone.
First Piercing? No piercings even my earrings got rejected because I had an allergic reaction. But I really want a tattoo. A water coulor tattoo of an kingfisher like this (kinda):

First foreign Country you’ve gone to? The Netherlands really liked it there. Oh I just looked up pictures of the place we always went to and I want to go there so badly.

First movie you remember seeing? Probably The Loin King

When was your first detention? Only got in detention once because I forgot my homework and that day 17 others did so the teacher was quite angry.
Who was your first roommate? My sister I guess we shared a room till she was 14 then she moved into a room that’s outside the flat (still in the same building). I actually have a room outside the flat as well now.
If you had one wish, what would it be? Cure my mental problems with one click it would all be fine for ever.
What was the first Sport you were involved in? Ballet and just a few month later horse back riding
What is the first Thing you do when you get home? When I come home from work mostly sitting or lying down because I am always super tired. Uni mostly cook something or eat something because I am always super hungry. Every thing else: Laptop
When was your first kiss? oh..

So here we got you got to know a little bit more about me.